FFFast:
Uh, sure, sorry. Let’s move on. Can you tell me, just in a general sense, why extraterrestrials are always so secretive? Many people see something sinister in that. Why is this the very first time you’ve actually spoken to the established press?

Gubosh:
Secretive? With idiots like my brother-in-law crashing all over the place? There was just another incident, couple of days ago, in Rhode Island, you know – some a**hole from one of those dink-s**t moons of Jupiter crappered right into an ex-news reporter’s house, for pity’s sake! Fellow name of Jim Roberts, I think – but when he tried to tell his story, your government cooked up some scheme that he was a homicidal lunatic, and carted him off to an asylum somewhere.

FFFast:
So, you’re saying it’s our government, not you ET’s, that are suppressing all this?

Gubosh:
Absolutely! We turkey-like aliens, for instance, have been trying to open trade relations since 1891, the year George Hormel founded the Hormel Company in Minnesota. When he invented Spam in 1937, it became even more urgent for us – there’s a shortage of ground up pork parts on my planet – but still, no dice. And hey, you know what we pay for a delicacy like Hormel chili on the black market? It’s killing us.

FFFast:
But – why? I should think our government would jump at the chance to open trade with extraterrestrials. The things you could teach us! The technology!

Gubosh:
Well, at the moment, it’s a leadership problem. Look who your president is. We try to talk to him, but he always thinks he’s having hallucinations when we do. I guess he’s had problems with that, though; so, it’s understandable.

FFFast:
Are you serious?

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