By now, this image of the "face" on Mars is familiar to all of us.  But a brilliant new analysis approach has extracted a shocking new interpretation of the data. The stunning new analysis of the well known Mars face image was conducted using an advanced proprietary technique known as RV/UMR (Remote Viewing Using Microwave Radiation).

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RV, or "remote viewing" is a widely accepted technique of obtaining information from locations distant in time and space, pioneered by such organizations as PsiTech as early as 1989.  Remote viewing, according to PsiTech, was originally "developed for and utilized by The Department Of Defense for intelligence collection purposes".
[FFFast.com has no affiliation with PsiTech. - Ed.]

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The image at left, produced using the powerful new RV/UMR technique, was leaked earlier this week through unoffical sources, who requested that they remain anonymous. The additional detail developed with RV/UMR clearly shows that, rather than being a male figure as previously assumed, the Mars face is actually that of a fat woman with a foot missing. Image: RV/UMR Analysis of Mars Face Reveals New Details

"I had my doubts about RV/UMR," said one information analysis specialist, "but the results of the technical improvements are irrefutable. The clarity of the image speaks for itself."

Comments from official sources have been mixed.  Senator Edward Kennedy is quoted as saying "they won't get paid much, if anything, for these improvements".  Senator John Kerry, on his Senate website, said, simply, "I am outraged".  Though neither senator was speaking specifically, the comments are telling.

Off the record, a spokesperson for a seriously handicapped organization was enthusiastic, however.  "This proves that handicapped people are capable of anything -- they can even be fat extraterrestrials, if they make up their minds to go for it."

San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom said, "I feel strongly and passionately about this," and sources say that the Mars fat woman may be a representative of the gay community on Mars. The National Gay And Lesbian Task Force has released no public comment, however.

Regardless of the social and political implications, technology analysts see the new RV/UMR approach as the harbinger of an entirely new methodology for the interpretation of complex and often puzzling space images.

"This is a breakthrough," said one such expert. "The fact that no huge budgets or expensive equipment are required virtually guarantees universal adoption of the underlying science."

RV/UMR image analysis requires nothing more than a standard kitchen microwave oven and common foods.  Though RV/UMR developers are tight-lipped concerning details, "the basic approach is simple," they said.  "The 'remote viewer' -- a highly trained and skilled individual -- holds the photo in his left hand, while nuking a low-fat cheeseburger in the microwave."  The interpretation of the image is then done with the right hand, drawing on the photo with a cucumber dipped in toothpaste.

"We know this seems unorthodox," said the source, "but they said the same thing about PsiTech's remote viewing techniques -- and even the DOD has used their approach."

"Though still in its infancy, RV/UMR shows immense promise," he added. "As soon as we receive a new cucumber shipment, we expect to begin a similar analysis on Area 51."

Area 51 is reputed to be a top-secret Nevada military base, where UFO experts suspect additional alien fat women are being studied by government scientists.

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