In a courageous contradiction of accepted norms, the National Institute of Health (NIH) has released incredible new findings on obesity among Americans. The new theories challenge established standards about what "overweight" really means, and flies in the face of traditional medical wisdom. A fast food industry conspiracy is suspected, with possible alien involvement.

"Almost everyone is fat," said a spokesperson. "Even six-foot males weighing only one hundred pounds are seething with unseen flab. As much as 93.8% of the population is at risk."

The alarming discovery, called "Fermi Flab" in honor of the famed scientist of the same name, is based in fascinating new interpretations of modern physics.

"The issue is really one of perception," said a fat nutrition expert. "Just because you look slim and feel slim and appear slim to others, does not mean that you actually are slim."

Contemporary models of physics have firmly established that there are many more dimensions than the three or four we directly perceive. 

"So-called Fermi Flab," explained medical investigator, Dr. O. Dell Suvbucks, "exists in other dimensions. Because we cannot see or otherwise detect this disgusting fat in any way, then, by the rules of quantum physics, we are fully convinced that it must be there -- possibly in the form of relativistic jelly doughnuts."

"In some cases, we also believe that the fat may exist in parallel universes," said Suvbucks. "This makes it impossible for us to find with current technology -- conclusively proving that a plethora of potentially perilous paunch pervades the planet's population."

Suvbucks also suspects "dark energy" -- the mysterious unseen and undetectable enigma that makes up 70% of our cosmos. If his theories hold true, dark energy is entirely made up of human lard.

The fact that dark energy may be implicated has also introduced a sinister twist to the new findings about fat. Rumors are raging across the back alleys of Wall Street that these discoveries could be the death nell for the fast food giants -- and they're fighting back.

"This is why the Hubble Space Telescope (HST) is being suddenly decommissioned," said one financial analyst. "McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King -- they all know if this is proven, they're history.  Fast food bankruptcies will be everywhere!"

But these companies control huge capital resources and wield enormous influence in Washington, noted the analyst. "They've bribed everyone in sight to get the Hubble shut down -- because [the high tech telescope] is on the verge of proving that dark energy is real -- and made up primarily of cellulite." Cellulite is formed of fat deposits around the thighs and buttocks; and "fast food" is often cited as one of the primary causes.

The alleged conspiracy among the fast food giants to shut down the HST has yet to be proven. However, Dave Thomas, head of the Wendy's chain, for one, has failed to make any public comment, despite the seriousness of the charges. McDonald's and Burger King are expected to follow suit shortly, in hopes of forestalling indictment by federal authorities.

Conspiracy theorists like Richard C. Hoagland may have very different opinions, though, about what sort of conspiracy is involved. One theory suggests that the hyper-dimensional human fat deposits are also at the root of alien abductions of human beings.

According to this theory, Reptilian and Grey extraterrestrials abduct humans in order to extract their hyper-dimensional fat, and mine it for a substance they use to fuel their spacecraft.

NIH has made no statement about the use of human fat in alien space technology; however, many UFO observers cautiously admit that the involvement of the government agency lends credence to these assertions. "From what we surmise," said one, "NIH is actually one of the 'fronts' for the super-secret Area 51. We know they're studying UFO propulsion systems there."

"This is another good reason to get the fat off your buttocks," said the previously quoted fat nutrition specialist. "Otherwise, parts of your sorry ass could wind up blasted into space."

For additional information on new NIH findings, visit the NIH site's Nutrition and Your Health: Dietary Guidelines for Americans.

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